matthew larsen

Sometimes I think it’d be fun to try and plan a tour around where all of the affiliate offices for Advance Internet are, so I would be able to work in the offices during the day, then play shows within a reasonable drive of whatever office in the evening, and not have to take too much time off from work. I wonder if it’s doable. Maybe Ethan would do a tour with me. That’d be fun.

Of course, I’d still have to pay for gas… and lodging. That would suck. And I’d miss Kristen and the cats like crazy. Still, I think it’d be an enjoyable experience.

View Larger Map

It’s hard to really put words to the myriad of emotions I felt when I learned of Andrea Coller’s passing this past week. Mostly, I was angry as hell. She of all people should have been able to beat this.

In so many ways, to so many people, it’s really hard to appreciate the anger and sadness that comes with having such a terrible illness and continual health issues. You live in a world where everyone you know will never fully understand. It’s not their fault or anything. It’s just that, no matter what, they won’t get that you’ll always feel bitter and angry towards the fact that a large chunk of your life was taken away from you for no apparent reason. The reality is, having cancer will never make sense… you’ll never know why you got it, you’ll never know if the treatment is going to work, and you’ll never know if it’s gone for good. The only thing that you can do is ignore that cynicism as much as possible, and live your life.

Living your life gets difficult, though, when you’re faced with constant reminders that cancer as a disease is never going away. You will know other people with cancer; your loved ones, your friends. You’ll watch the news and someone famous will be diagnosed. You’ll be asked to join a support group, donate, walk, etc. You’ll be asked how you’re feeling, and people will judge what you’ve been doing with your life “since your illness”.

It can be a real drag and can make you isolate yourself a bit.

For me, the only person I think I ever really reached out for any kind of cancer-kinship kind of support was Andrea Coller. And it was only because we both were aware that each other existed, really. I talked with her only a few times about it. I think mostly for me, knowing that she was dealing with all of this stuff too, and with a sense of humor and sarcasm about it, was helpful. Her recent essay article in Glamour magazine really exemplifies her spirit while she’s dealing with some pretty brutal experiences. Anyway, it was the way she didn’t want to really do the things that I also didn’t want to do that made me feel at ease, like the touchy-feely support group kind of stuff. Here’s an excerpt from some email correspondence awhile back:

Hi Matt,

Yes, I’ve also heard that we both are in the big-time at PACE _and_ at Dr. Bowers’ office… How ’bout those stem cell transplants, eh? But thankfully, it seems that so far we both have made it out of that particular hell as all right as anyone could…

…Yeah, sometimes I think it would be fun to sit around and trade war stories with other survivors. But most of the time, I practice the fine art of repression. It works out OK, for the most part.

Andrea

For me, just knowing what another survivor is up to, how they are living life, how they, too, just want everything to be ‘normal’ is enough. I don’t need to recall all the details of treatment, hospitals, medical procedures, and how it felt during treament. I try as hard as possible to not ever think about that stuff. And the further out I get, the more the days just melt into each other, and I’m blissfully not as aware that I am a ‘cancer survivor’.

I’m truly devastated to learn of Andrea Coller’s passing. It’s just a very difficult thing to deal with. At the core of all this is the first-hand knowledge of the hospitals and doctors and many of the ugly things that go along with people trying you fix you. But especially, I just know how much of an imprint Andrea’s life made on my life– and I wasn’t very close to her. To lose someone to similar health issues that I have, so far, survived doesn’t seem fair somehow.

When she was playing open mic nights at Fire and Water back when me and Steve Biegner were playing there too as Smokejumpers, she would light up the crowd. Years later, her performances at P.A.C.E. and her open mic night hosting duties made a different crowd adore her.

These are the types of things that trump everything else. She was just a great kind person living her life, who just happened to be dealing with cancer. And I know is that I will truly miss the calm of knowing that she was ‘around’. What it means in my own life, I haven’t quite figured out yet. We’re a compartmentalized group, just like a lot of groups… ‘people who’ve dealt with cancer’, ‘cancer survivors’. But no-one should ever pretend that we all have the same shit to deal with.

To quote her, I guess “…sometimes I think it would be fun to sit around and trade war stories with other survivors. But most of the time, I practice the fine art of repression. It works out OK, for the most part.”

Everyone will miss what you brought to the world, Andrea.

I’ve been very lax about posting to this blog lately, mainly because I’ve been posting in the spiffy (relatively new) songspeak site. Songspeak is something that Jamie and I have been working on since 1997 or so. It’s pretty cool to see it develop into a blog format. It’s been fun for both of us.

We’ve been kind of posting some old stuff and posting some new stuff too… everything from misheard lyrics to songs in tv commercials, 70s music, 80s music, 90s music, 00s music, and of course, videos.

Ethan loops things.

Re-use of old railroad tracks is pretty cool.

If I’m in the mood for a tasty, quick, and reasonably priced burrito, Bueno Y Sano is an obvious choice. I absolutely love the burritos at El Guanaco in South Hadley Falls, but that place is not always a convenient place to get to.

Similarly, though there’s nothing quite like a roast beef sandwich from places on the north shore of Massachusetts like Nick’s Roast Beef, Kelly’s Roast Beef, etc. I never get there since it’s a few hours away. I’m happy to say that locally, Rolando’s Roast Beef and Falafel in Amherst pays quite a tribute to the “North Shore Roast Beef Sandwich”… the tangy barbecue sauce, the nice round roll, the onions and cheese– all delicious. I had a taste of Kristen’s falafel also and that was great. The fries and onion rings were good too. I just enjoyed that they use fresh stuff to make everything there. I think I spent about $6-7 for a sandwich, basket of fries, and a drink. I think that’s pretty reasonable considering the amount of food I ordered. I still have never solved the mystery of why Arby’s is so expensive. What’s the deal with that?

Anyway, one more thing about Bueno Y Sano. Did you know they did catering?! I didn’t.

My Aunt Pat retired a number of years ago, and her and my uncle built this place in Negril, Jamaica. I think it was always their dream to live there, and I’ll be damned if they didn’t actually make it happen. They sold their house on Long Island and now live at Valentine Villas, a four unit private villa on a sandy beach. It sounds quite lovely. My mom went there for a mini-vacation. I think my cousin is going down there too this week.

Meanwhile, we’re supposed to get snow up here in not-Jamaica. Luckily I finally got the tire off the snowblower and it should fixed, inflated and ready in the nick of time. I’m sure the barbershop will be open, no matter what the storm brings. It’s like the USPS that way.

Being a landlord is really something. I’m learning that it’s not necessarily a ‘big’ responsibility… it’s more like a ton of tiny responsibilities. Team Larseam is up to the challenge though. Our place IS pretty awesome, after all. We continue to hang up pictures and things like that and it feels like home more every day. Our friend Brittnie and her husband Kurt got us this wonderful framed scene that we hung above the piano. It’s actually made out of papyrus and was brought back from Brittnie’s recent trip to Egypt. It really blew my mind that she did this for us, not to mention the unbelievable party she coordinated (and cooked for) in our honor.

Both Kristen and I are really lucky to have wonderful people in our lives. It really amazes me every time I stop and think about it.

Kristen and I went to Cafe Lebanon today for lunch. It was delicious as it always is. She posted some pictures, in fact. Working in downtown Springfield is often a drag, but there are some pretty good places to eat. We don’t go out to eat for lunch THAT often, but yesterday and today we did. Actually, yesterday she took some pictures of our trip to Rein’s Deli. Those pickles are garlicky. And delicious.